So I just finished watching Brokedown Palace at my best friends house. The movie was AMAZING. I remember just sitting on the couch, cuddled under the blanket and sobbing my eyes out for those two girls. If you have never seen the movie, I suggest you not read on because there are spoilers ahead.
The movie is about two best friends, Alice in Darlene who go on a trip together to Thailand and get arrested for smuggling drugs. The sad thing of the movie is, neither one of the girls did it and were actually really set up by a sleezeball named Nick.
The whole point of the the movie is, to just go ahead and skip ahead, Alice sacrifices herself for her best friend so her best friend can get out and go home, volunteering to not only stay but serve her friends time. Even though she was the one who could have really gotten away as she had signed no documents and stood a better chance.
Poor Alice, no one believed in her. She was the 'bad' one and she really wasn't. Transgressions she'd made as a child was held against her and to not only have the weight of that but to give everything up to spend the rest of your life in a prison in a foreign country with no ally. Wow. I am not sure I could have done it.
Just think about it. It would have been so easy. They both were innocent, we know this, But they had each other. Can you make that kind of sacrifice for someone else? Can you love someone else that much? Not only to let them go but to take all there lashing for them. To utterly and completely give up your time?
I want to say that if I were in the situation then yes I would have, could have, easily. But I don't know. I don't think so. I am afraid my love is more selfish then that. Ah, heck. Screw the fact that I spoiled the movie for you. Go ahead and watch it. And ask yourself, could you?
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Headed Home
I will be leaving for home in four days; back to NYC. I have made several trips back to visit friends that are like family but I have mostly stayed away from my family. It's just been too hard a journey to make. And now that I am finally making this trip after more then five years, I am filled with so many mixed emotions.
I was raised by my grandmother from the time I was about six months old. My mother, still in her teens herself, was too busy having fun to be bothered with the responsibilities of raising a child. I had two older siblings who shared the same fate as myself. and two more were to follow after me as well.
My dad was around in that, he lived around the block. But mostly he was absent from our lives. The most memories I have of him was his coming over to administer spankings or asking us for part of our allowance that he promised to pay back, and of course he never did. I associate so much disappointment with him.
But my grandmother. She was my rock. She often went without so that we could have. Always doing the very best she could for us, although her health wasn't the greatest and it's easy to see why she wouldn't be your ideal candidate for raising five little hellions. She made it work though.
My siblings and I didn't really fit in growing up. Or maybe I can't speak for them but I can certainly speak for myself in saying I never really felt accepted by my family. There was something almost palpably different about me. It was as if I exuded something that kept others away. And I never really felt at home, never connected with my aunts in uncles.
This was really brought home to me when I finally made a mecca back over five years ago. Visiting my family, i felt acutely uneasy and out of place. I didn't feel any connection and felt more like I didn't belong. I didn't know these people and they didn't know me. Nor was there any strong desire on either sides to get to know each other. Everything felt so forced. I left NYC and never went back to see them again.
But now, I am making this trip again as I have heard my grandmother, the only true family I feel I have, is not doing so well. And it scares me so much to think about it. If something were to happen to her, I would truly be an orphan in this world. Crazy as that sounds.
I have a mother who is very much alive, a father as well. And plenty of aunts and uncles. But I will feel like I have no one. Aside from my sister, Shaniqua, I am not really connected to anyone else. I even caught myself at one point wishing it was my mother or father even, and not my grandmother. I know that is terrible. And I don't really wish that kind of pain on anyone else. But I guess, if it has to be anyone, just not let it be her.
So I am getting on that train and making the journey home. And its more then a little scary for me for so many reasons. I pray that my grandmother will be okay. More then anything I want her to get through this. Mostly for selfish reasons. I am not ready for world in which she doesn't exist. Lord just help me get through this week. And please, please, don't take my grandma away from me.
I was raised by my grandmother from the time I was about six months old. My mother, still in her teens herself, was too busy having fun to be bothered with the responsibilities of raising a child. I had two older siblings who shared the same fate as myself. and two more were to follow after me as well.
My dad was around in that, he lived around the block. But mostly he was absent from our lives. The most memories I have of him was his coming over to administer spankings or asking us for part of our allowance that he promised to pay back, and of course he never did. I associate so much disappointment with him.
But my grandmother. She was my rock. She often went without so that we could have. Always doing the very best she could for us, although her health wasn't the greatest and it's easy to see why she wouldn't be your ideal candidate for raising five little hellions. She made it work though.
My siblings and I didn't really fit in growing up. Or maybe I can't speak for them but I can certainly speak for myself in saying I never really felt accepted by my family. There was something almost palpably different about me. It was as if I exuded something that kept others away. And I never really felt at home, never connected with my aunts in uncles.
This was really brought home to me when I finally made a mecca back over five years ago. Visiting my family, i felt acutely uneasy and out of place. I didn't feel any connection and felt more like I didn't belong. I didn't know these people and they didn't know me. Nor was there any strong desire on either sides to get to know each other. Everything felt so forced. I left NYC and never went back to see them again.
But now, I am making this trip again as I have heard my grandmother, the only true family I feel I have, is not doing so well. And it scares me so much to think about it. If something were to happen to her, I would truly be an orphan in this world. Crazy as that sounds.
I have a mother who is very much alive, a father as well. And plenty of aunts and uncles. But I will feel like I have no one. Aside from my sister, Shaniqua, I am not really connected to anyone else. I even caught myself at one point wishing it was my mother or father even, and not my grandmother. I know that is terrible. And I don't really wish that kind of pain on anyone else. But I guess, if it has to be anyone, just not let it be her.
So I am getting on that train and making the journey home. And its more then a little scary for me for so many reasons. I pray that my grandmother will be okay. More then anything I want her to get through this. Mostly for selfish reasons. I am not ready for world in which she doesn't exist. Lord just help me get through this week. And please, please, don't take my grandma away from me.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
A Lesson in Losing
So today was quite the day. I had my cell phone stolen. The sad thing is, it really wasn't that great of a phone. Not very expensive and no fancy gadgets on it like they have nowadays. It didn't have internet, games, nothing. But that phone meant the absolute world to me.
I sat it down in the bank next to me to take out some cash and a young boy, nothing remarkable about him at all, stole it. Everything happened so quickly and before you know it I was out of a phone.
What I don't understand is why? If he tried to sell it, I can assure you he wouldn't get more then $20 for it. And that's being very generous. It isn't worth the time or effort. I reported the phone stolen within minutes so he couldn't even USE it if he wanted to.
I guess what I am trying to say is, that phone meant nothing to him and nothing to anyone else. But it meant everything to me. I had that phone when I found the love of my life, my soulmate. I still had the text when I jokingly asked her to marry me and she responded with three very enthusiastic yeses.
That picture of her as she just woke up, cuddling her duckie, looking all sleepy and beautiful. The one I asked her to send because she was so far away and I wanted to see her in her morning. Looking softer then I remembered with those tender slope shoulders and big blue eyes.
Everything started with that phone and I wanted to have it forever. And I will admit when I came home and realized this wasn't a nightmare and there was no waking up, I cried like a baby. I cried til there were no tears left, and I cried a little more.
Now the funny thing is, I go through phones the way women go through bra's. And if you're a woman, you will understand exactly what I am saying there. I loose them, drop them in toilets. Once, it even got ran over by a car. You name it, it's happened to me. I'm considering buying them in bulk.
And I've always laughed it off and told myself, no biggie. It's just a phone. But this time was different. This time it was more then just a phone. And it was stolen from me. That was a hard pill for me to swallow and I honestly thought I would never get over it.
Then two things happened to me. The first was my sister. I am sitting on Facebook IM'ing her and crying at the same time. Now my sister has got a natural gift. She can make just about anyone laugh and I am certainly no exception. In no time flat she had me seeing the humor in a situation I had previously thought was completely void of it.
The next thing that happened was I was scrolling through my friends page (okay, stalking a little ) and I came across a quote she had written that helped me put everything in perspective. She wrote:
I sat it down in the bank next to me to take out some cash and a young boy, nothing remarkable about him at all, stole it. Everything happened so quickly and before you know it I was out of a phone.
What I don't understand is why? If he tried to sell it, I can assure you he wouldn't get more then $20 for it. And that's being very generous. It isn't worth the time or effort. I reported the phone stolen within minutes so he couldn't even USE it if he wanted to.
I guess what I am trying to say is, that phone meant nothing to him and nothing to anyone else. But it meant everything to me. I had that phone when I found the love of my life, my soulmate. I still had the text when I jokingly asked her to marry me and she responded with three very enthusiastic yeses.
That picture of her as she just woke up, cuddling her duckie, looking all sleepy and beautiful. The one I asked her to send because she was so far away and I wanted to see her in her morning. Looking softer then I remembered with those tender slope shoulders and big blue eyes.
Everything started with that phone and I wanted to have it forever. And I will admit when I came home and realized this wasn't a nightmare and there was no waking up, I cried like a baby. I cried til there were no tears left, and I cried a little more.
Now the funny thing is, I go through phones the way women go through bra's. And if you're a woman, you will understand exactly what I am saying there. I loose them, drop them in toilets. Once, it even got ran over by a car. You name it, it's happened to me. I'm considering buying them in bulk.
And I've always laughed it off and told myself, no biggie. It's just a phone. But this time was different. This time it was more then just a phone. And it was stolen from me. That was a hard pill for me to swallow and I honestly thought I would never get over it.
Then two things happened to me. The first was my sister. I am sitting on Facebook IM'ing her and crying at the same time. Now my sister has got a natural gift. She can make just about anyone laugh and I am certainly no exception. In no time flat she had me seeing the humor in a situation I had previously thought was completely void of it.
The next thing that happened was I was scrolling through my friends page (okay, stalking a little ) and I came across a quote she had written that helped me put everything in perspective. She wrote:
You cannot loose what is most important in life.
And what is important in life will be revealed when
everything else is lost.
~Lisa Gillon 2008 AD
I loved it and had to borrow it because it's true. Yes, those text and those pictures and that phone held soo many valuable things to me. I won't ever get them back and I will never see that phone again. But I have something much better then that. I got the girl.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
My formal Introduction!
Hello All and welcome to my blogger site! I would love to give you a background on just who I really am. A pretty zany, rather dysfunctional girl. I will tell you somethings about me that can be used as a reference point for my future blogs. So I don't leave you scratching your head and saying; why did she make this decision?
Okay! First of all, I am a 28 year old NYC native who now makes her home in Rochester. This place, however, feels more like a home to me in the seven years I have been here then NYC has in the whole 21.
I came here because I'd gotten my heart broken and needed a place to escape to. I wanted to start over without dealing with the scars of my past. Trying the whole out of sight out of mind. However, I learned moving here that you can't outrun yourself. Everywhere you go, there you are. I decided then to face life and grow up or forever be afraid to put down roots less the wind blows strong enough to pull them up.
Lots of great things came out of the move. I found myself. REALLY found myself. The identity I was hiding behind trying to make everyone happy. I learned to put myself out there and experience love, fear, passion, jealousy, pride and all those other emotions I was denying myself.
I have been on a journey of life, and I am still taking that ride. It's a ride that keeps on going, but with plenty of stops. I invite you all to climb into my backseat and come along with me. It's gonna be some kinda ride!
Okay! First of all, I am a 28 year old NYC native who now makes her home in Rochester. This place, however, feels more like a home to me in the seven years I have been here then NYC has in the whole 21.
I came here because I'd gotten my heart broken and needed a place to escape to. I wanted to start over without dealing with the scars of my past. Trying the whole out of sight out of mind. However, I learned moving here that you can't outrun yourself. Everywhere you go, there you are. I decided then to face life and grow up or forever be afraid to put down roots less the wind blows strong enough to pull them up.
Lots of great things came out of the move. I found myself. REALLY found myself. The identity I was hiding behind trying to make everyone happy. I learned to put myself out there and experience love, fear, passion, jealousy, pride and all those other emotions I was denying myself.
I have been on a journey of life, and I am still taking that ride. It's a ride that keeps on going, but with plenty of stops. I invite you all to climb into my backseat and come along with me. It's gonna be some kinda ride!
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